Opening sentence for my story

Hello Readers, 

We are learning to write an interesting first sentence to hook our reader.

My first sentence was" One day there was a boy chilling on his Xbox."

This is my improved sentence "RA TA TA TA the lights of the tv glooming

from darkness to light PEW BOOM the boy was focused and engrossed about his game

most of his attention went to the tv". 

I think my updated sentence is way better than the last what do you think ??

Does my opening sentence hook my attention?

My weekend

In the weekend I went to my Bestfriends house for the night. We at some chicken nuggets french fries with tomato sauce. We did a couple of TikToks and tried out life hacks we went to sleep at 2am which was very late. In the morning we decided to have cocopops for breakfast and go to the haunted house down the road we got ready packed our stuff and walked to the house I started to get the chills same as my sister. while we were walking a car was driving through a walking tunnel it was speeding we were scream running up and down we calmed down and enjoyed our walk we got to the haunted house. We kept hearing voices and foot steps we started to record with our phones we were scared to DEATH but then we went home and ate lunch we went to the mall and we chilled out and forgot about the house. We went to mcdonalds and ate some yummy burgers. We remebered the house and remeberd that there was a truck place next to it so the vouces and foot steps were all at the truck shop.

Bye readers thanks for reading bye!!!

My toy design

In room 11 we are making a toy or anything we want but it has to be a a thing that hasn't been invented. We had to be with a buddy me and my decided to make a robot money box. The class got out a box with decorations and cardboard me and my buddy started the front bit of our robot. Me and my buddy aren't quite done but here is what were doing. Me and my buddy aren't done but heres what were doing.

Kakapo

Kia ora everyone in room ll in reading the polar bears have been learning about Kakapos. But before we start here is a link to my reading page Reading page link. In reading about Kakapos we had to make a slide show and search things up about Kakapos. We had to make a DLO and write about keeping the kakapos alive. I have a question for you guys what do you think about my work???